01-02-2017 / Ridgewood, Queens

Smashmouth’s White Magic

“Somebody once told me, the world was going to row me, I ain’t the smartest tool in the shed.”

Are these lines from a classic 90’s rock song? Or are they sacred text from the occult teachings of hermetic alchemy?

The answer, I believe, is both.

Tonight, I’d like to talk to you about the hidden, mystic significance of Smashmouth. I know this is an open mic, and I only have five minutes, but that is more than enough time–my presentation is quick, because it is obvious.

The basic idea of Hermetic alchemy is that we are all made of two basic elements: light and sound. This is also the basis of every Smashmouth song. Both tell us that human beings are simply light condensed into matter, and through ritual we can change the light that radiates from us and, thus, change the world. The first step, though, is to become aware of your light.

Or, to paraphrase “All Star”: we’ll never shine if we don’t first glow.

Actually, let’s take a closer look at this song as it is filled with occult references. The chorus is “Hey now, you’re an all star.” They are saying: you are made of star. They make the alchemy even more explicit later when they say, “All that glitters is gold.” This is an important point. It is not only humans that are allstars...it is everything. Everything is made of the same original element in different forms. The ground we walk on is no different than the sun that lights our way. It is all star stuff. As above, so below. Or to quote Smashmouth again, “We might as well be walking on the sun.”

Now, I am like a lot of you, in that I only know two Smash Mouth songs, so I bought their album to dig a little deeper. I was blown away by what I found

First , notice the cover.

bright saturated computer-aided drawing of an impossibly large and stylish skyscraper hotel stretching out from a red moon. Astro Lounge is titled in big circle signage down the length of the hotel. Stars and galaxies in the background

The covert art for Astro Lounge

A neon-lit hotel floating off a rock in space...the idea of this is absurd! Mod hotels and outer space shouldn’t work well together, much like 60’s surf rock shouldn’t sound so goow ith 90’s rap rock. Smashmouths’ intent is to unify these opposing elements. Their cover art, then, works like a psychedelic. It upsets the senses so that, in your new vulnerable state, you can hear the message more clearly.

And the message? It’s hidden in the title of the album, Astro Lounge. Literally: relaxation in light.

Now that we’ve discussed the aesthetic level of this album, but let’s take a look at their track listings and deeper cuts.

  1. All star. (Smart, start with the single.)

  2. Baphomet Speaks.

  3. The Emerald Tablet of Hermes Trismegistus.

  4. To Lay with Endymae the Ethereal (The Handclap Song)

  5. Black Mass, Pt 1.: The gathering

  6. Black Mass, Pt. 2: renunciation

  7. Black Mass, Pt 3: initiation

  8. A really good cover of “Can’t Get Enough of you Baby”

  9. Black Mass, Fin: our Golden Unity

When you listen to the whole album, it all seems obvious and, in this light, we see Smash mouth in their true form. The lead singer of Smash Mouth, Steve, is a modern mystic leader, wearing all the signs of the enlightened. He is rotund like buddha. The tips of his hair are frosted, to form a halo on his head, the bleached ends looking like a flame that floats above him. He wears sunglasses all the time to show that he does not need these eyes, for he does not see out of them. He sees out of his third eye.

Unfortunately, while Smashmouth is a source of good vibes and endless party, evil still exists. Mystery schools do not house just the holy. There is a dark evil in this world, bands enriched by the occult arts, whose only intent is obfuscate and close us off from this holy clarity. Which brings me to why I am really here tonight. I want to warn you about Third Eye Blind.