I have become one of my own annoyances. I’ve become the type of person who, when asked how they are, pause for a minute and then say, ‘Alright, I guess.’ or ‘Eh, shouldn’t complain.’ Even worse, I’ve become the type of person who now always says that, who you can expect to have a slightly bum answer to any small-talk thing. Honest optimism always! I say. There is always a bright side you can focus on, especially when a friend is there, especially when they are trying to just talk to you. You should take advantage of that moment by making it even better, I say, to myself, and then hear me ignore my own advice and let out some other downer of a phrase during polite chit-chat.
I’m in a mooood is what I’m saying. And it’s likely a v. valid mood. I’m 3 months into an immigration struggle in a new country, a country that I like a lot, but may not like me back. I wanna feel settled, but am continually unsure if my vacation here is now done or if something new is about to start. And i’m in this endless succession of bureaucratic formspeak and deadlines that’s both v. boring and crucial to my and Angelica’s life. So I keep trying to enjoy the day to day, cos this week may be my last week here in New Zealand, but my brain keeps looping through emails and forms and things I have to do and confusing admin and then I just turn grouchy.
I wanna just have a sign on me that says, “don’t listen to half of what zach is saying. He’s in a cloud.” It feels sorta like when you eat something tasty, but foul-smelling, and then feel like you have to announce to whoever wants to talk to you: “I know I smell awful, but it personally seemed like a good idea. I’m down to talk to you, but there’s nothing I can do about my breath right now–it’s just there.” My life right now is a diet of garlic bagels and chive cream cheese, heated in a shared microwave with pizza sauce and brussel sprout residue.
It’s not really that bad, it’s just a lil’ unpleasant, but like insistently so. And I’m not actually sure how much I can talk about all of this, even to you, the unknown reader who stumbled upon this hidden cave of a site. I’ll just say that I’m going through the pain of an ever-expanding Now–a moment that you know is not eternal, but you can’t see the edges and you can’t figure out the color or shape. I’m waiting in the foyer with my jacket on, not knowing whether I need to leave or be invited in, and I’m tired of holding this pose–one hand on my zipper the other on the doorknob.
BUT! This is boring! And this isn’t eternal! So I’ll just quickly list the things I’m excited to be doing. I don’t know when, and I don’t know where, but they’re images that I am working toward:
I want to have a space where I give tarot readings and basic html lessons. Like combined into one magic session. I’ll have a nice table set up with a cloth and lavender and nice-smelling smoke in the air and people will arrive with a laptop and a question. And we’ll go through the cards to start to get an answer, and then set up a site to start manifesting a path. I want to find the other people for who this combination makes absolute sense and then I want to build a webring together.
I want to have a home and routine that’s so stable that others start to depend upon it. People wanting to find me for whatever reason, and knowing to go to the CBD library–cos it’s a Saturday afternoon and I’m always there. I want to have a neighborhood that I’m contributing back to again, that feels comfortable and known like it’s an extension of my living room.
I want to have regular boardgame parties that I can <em>host</em>, where the games are treated with the same excitement as the screening of a rare film.
I wanna go camping, deep into the bush, and just have fire and water and trees.
I want to table at a zine fest, and run a workshop at a zine fest, but for a new type of zine that gets people excited about the entire medium.
I want to have a coolguy.television–a little camera onto my screen and room where I can just hang out for a bit and old friends can pop on and we can catch up. It wouldn’t be a ‘show’, I wouldnt’ be growing an audience. I’d just be setting up a portal to help collapse this homesickness.
I want to move technological power away from the old wizards and give it to the teen witches–through workshops and parties and videos and zines. I want a pink and purple twee flower garden of an internet that I can help support.
I kinda want a dog?
I want to have exciting news.
And i want a bunch of tapes, and a stereo to play them in, in a space that I can call my own for a decent portion of time. And I want to be able to plan with Angelica and be able to hold and realize these plans, because we have our own center.